New Location, Location, Location

We've moved to keep up with the times!

Check out our new shop in an even more gentrified neighborhood where the kids are all hip to the jive and totally dress in the most far out fashions:

www.mikeburns.tumblr.com

The Van I'm Gonna Get

As a single fella, I don't know much what you babes are into. Can I call you "babes"? "Gals"? "Slammable dick caves"? I don't know, help me out here.

Are you into that song "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake? If I cranked that up on my hi-fi would that get you all damp in your unders?




One thing I do know is chicks dig vans. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me one. No, not some corny mini-van. But a f@cking VAN. From back when men drove vans and chicks drove red sports cars and that was all that mattered if you wanted to get the job done.

Like, a 1982 Chevy Beauville.



But WAY more macho than this one. I'm talkin' chrome Kreagar rims, orange shag carpeting, some of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps on the back lettin' people to know to BACK OFF!



I'd have a sweetass Pioneer tape deck. No wait, a DUAL tape deck. And because it's broken, there'd only ever be 2 tapes stuck in there.

1. Whitesnake's Greatest Hits. Of course.

and

2. A bootleg copy of fart sound effects. Because farts are hilarious.

And on the side, there'd be an airbrushed painting of this really sexy centaur man. And he's in really good shape. You can tell he takes care of his body. And his long flowing hair doesn't have any split ends. Scott obviously uses conditioner.

Did I mention I call him "Scott"?

So anyway, Scott is wearing these four-legged cut off Levi's that really let you see his horse bulge, and he's lovingly ravaging this sexy blue she-demon. You can tell the passion is real and this isn't just some fling.

And in the backround, far off in the distance is a little stream with wolves jumping over it like AROOOOOOOO! ARR ARR ARROOOOOOO!


Are you guys even listening to me here? Because this is like a Boston song and a Journey ballad just came together, and blew up on the side of my f@cking van!

(Cue arena rock guitar power chords)

It's just like,

"Centaur and the she-demon, are livin' on the side of my van!

It's erotic and sexy and mystical! It's mysticaaaal!

And his name is Scott, and there havin' a babaaay!!

And it's half-wolf, half-horse, half demon chick, but no one knows where the wolf came from, somethin' must have been going on on the side, and that's alotta haves but's it's a big ol' babaay!

Oh Scott you're so romantic! You're so romantiiiiiic!"



Yeah. Who thinks I should get that f@cking van now?!

Probably none of you. Because it's a stupid idea.

Guys' Night Advice Column #10: Grindin'

Sorry there was no "Guys' Night" over the Labor Day weekend. We were busy getting pissed with our buddies at a West Hollywood establishment. Let's get back to biz!



Dear Guys' Night,

This past weekend, me and my boys were out ragin' our guts out, natch, then I decided to surprise my ol' lady at a party and found her grindin' with some other dude. I lost my shit and jumped in a cab. Got back home and jacked it to some barely legal babe action to show her what's up. Problem is, I still have feelings for her but I don't know if I can trust her ass anymore. Should I stick with my steady or break it off for greener pastures?

-Young Pussy Don


Dear YPD,

Fuck! Don't put up with that shit. The best advice I could give you is, you shoulda made the first move. Women don't respect that, "I'm gonna be good to you baby" bullshit. If she got the scent you were slippin' it in on some broad on the sly, she'd have been makin' you breakfast in the morning on the regular. Gals want to know you're in demand. Now, you got two choices: shove it in a slimmy for a one time revenge bang, or #2: just fucking make it a Guys' Night for like, the next half a year.

You don't need that garbage, especially when you got your buddies. Nothing makes a woman jealous like knowing that you and the homies are out wagging your front tails at anything that moves during the big game. Even if "what moves" are your buddies when you're watching the big game and seeing who can pop one off first while a 30 second Diet Coke ad starring some half naked gash plays on the tube during the Bears game.

Football season always gets me amped up. Maybe it's the cheerleaders. Maybe it's the way my buddy Karl can put away a whole tray of nachos in no time flat. Either way, football season is no time to waste on some slit. Bust your nuts on a Guys' Afternoon, right before a Guys' Night. Keep focused on the season. Football is a man's sport, not some time to waste on "making love".

Go Bears! And Go Pussy! Even if "Pussy" is your own hand while you masturbate in the middle of the living room in front of all your buddies. 'Cuz, pussy is still pussy. No. Big. Deal.

-GN

Guys' Night Advice Column #9: Promise Keepers

Dear Guys' Night,

I feel awkward writing you, this is my first time seeking help in what I think is an otherwise perfect marriage. My wife and I have been married 22 beautiful years, we have 5 awesome kids, work is great, church is great. Promise Keeper? You betcha. You're looking at a six-year Promise Keeper veteran. Here's my issue. Recently I shared with my wife that I 'experimented' with some other boys while I was in high school. NOTHING GAY, just some mutual jack sessions, some role-playing blowjobs (we made sure to pretend to be girls!) the usual healthy teen boy stuff. My wife freaked out. She wants me to see our pastor for some counseling, but I told her this is completely normal. What do you think, GN?

Thanks,
Bob Prendergast
(attached is a photo of me and promise keepers founder Bill McCartney)






Dear Bob,

Your wife wants you to see some priest for counseling on what she thinks is "gay"?! That's just gonna be confusing. Priests are promise keepers too. To God. And if anyone can understand how a man who doesn't have sex with women needs some release by having a mutual jack sesh or a few role playing beejers, it's men of the cloth. Ask any doctor and he'll tell you that it's not healthy to hold in your business too long. And if you can't turn to your buddies for help, then they're not very good pals.

Guys in high school have enough pressure to be "cool" and before you learn how to hook up with a slammin' chick, you don't wanna water down your rep and chase after the hoaglys. It's better to just kick it with the fellas and get some practice in so when you finally score that tasty senior, you'll be able to get the j.o.b. d.o.n.e. If your wife didn't have any brothers in high school, she'd never understand. And if she did have some and they didn't ever have a few buddies over to shoot the shit and tug one down, then they must have been fucking nerds. I'm sure you've told your kids the same thing 'cuz you sound like a stand up guy.

I remember when I was 15, my buddies Karl and Vern and me used to play Sega Genesis hockey and loser had to help the winner out with a few spit soaked strokes. It was just a little healthy competition to help us do the right and healthy thing for our bodies.

The next time she brings it up, call her a lesbo and ask her how it feels to be judged. Because she sounds like she might be a lesbo. Otherwise she wouldn't be complaining. 6-year promise keeper? Maaaaaan, you must be layin' down some sweet pipe on the mad regular!

Thanks for writing,
-GN

Consumable Mistakes: I Don't Remember Mickey Rooney Playing An Oompa-Loompa In Breakfast At Tiffany's?

I'm pretty sure this is kinda racist.

“Oooo, Wirry Ronka eeesah soo Delickoricious!”

There, now it’s SUPER racist.

Guys' Night Advice Column #8: SUCK IT!

Dear Guys' Night,

Last week I got special backstage passes to a WWE event, and the Degeneration X guys (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) kept doing their thing where they cross their arms over their crotches and say "SUCK IT!"

The thing was, we were alone in a green room together.

Ever since then, whenever I watch wrestling I get kind of a tingly feeling in my pants. Not a full hard on, just a little movement. Did they make me gay? Should I stop watching wrestling?

Sorry if this is weird, but I don't know who to ask about this.
-DX Fan


Dear DX Fan,

Even if you WERE gay, there's nothing gay about Degeneration X, so you wouldn't be into it anyway. To be honest, I get full on bad boners watching wrestling and other sports all the time. That doesn't mean I'm gay, DX Fan. Look, I've gotten an erection at the grocery store too, but that doesn't mean I'm some sort of food pervert.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of people making hackneyed comments about how wrestling is "gay". First off, when they say it's "gay", it's used as a derogatory statement, and while all of us here at Guys' Night are just guys bein' guys, we're no homophobes. I know this one guy from college who has a gay brother. True story.

Here's the other thing, Vince McMahon is no dummy. He markets to the fellas AND all the sexy gal wrestling fans. And if there's one thing the ladies can't resist, it's The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. That's why I keep pictures of him all over my West Hollywood apartment. It gets the ladies dizzamp! And that Triple H is no slouch himself. He's my buddy Karl's favorite wrestler. Karl says he's more "rugged".

HBK and Triple H pose down!

Suck it!

HBK!

Ha!


I keep this in my john for when the gals take a whiz before we get all nasty-nasty.

Shawn is so badass.

Triple H spewin' it! F-yeah! Take that Mr. McMahon!


The next time you watch wrestling, have a few buddies over and stare at their crotches. Bet you see more than a few tents. It'll make you feel better knowing it's not just you that gets electrified by the excitement of the WWE! No big deal.

Suck it! (jk, ha!)

-Guys' Night

Guys' Night Advice Column #7: Mad Mentourage

What up Gizzo Nizzo!

You watch Entourage last night?! Man, that epp was off the chain! Basically, the whole show was about how Turtle has to go to his first day of college in his Maserati, Vince comes with, then, 5-minutes after being there, Vin goes up to the room of a sexy co-ed and gives her a bit of the old Chase charm while he video tapes it. SO good. One of the best yet.

My buddies know what a fan I am and even call me "Drama". And they've all said that "If you like Entourage, you gotta watch Mad Men! Those guys REALLY know how to live."

So I DVR'd Mad Men and gave it a whirl. Umm...how can I put this so I don't puke?

(spoiler alert)

The whole episode was about two guys making out and giving each other tugs. I couldn't find the remote fast enough. Even alone in my locked apartment I was afraid someone would walk in or see what I was watching through the window.

Basically, my boys pulled a fast one on me to make me watch that queer show and I want to know how to get them back. What's a good burn?

-Dramz



Dramz,

I don't know how to break it to you, but I actually don't think you were set up. I watched MM last night and like you, was bit thrown off by the gay jack off scene.

But I rewound it 6 or 10 times just to try and figure out what REALLY was going on there and I think I've got the answer.

See, Mad Men times was way back in the '80s when porn wasn't really coming into it's own yet. Chicks still had bushes and stuff and the guy's weren't nearly as thick and long and shaved down and they didn't have ripped abs like they do now. There was alot of confusion. So sometimes, guys had to help each other out with how business goes down. I know it might sound weird, but it totally wasn't a gay thing at all for one guy to give a hands on tutorial of how to get the nasty. Just one guy helpin' out another guy. No big deal. Remember, this was the '80s when there wasn't the internet. It was pretty messed up back then. Plus, guys had to work alot. So with no time to cheat on their wives and sore hands from laboring, you had to have another dude help you get that release. Think of it like soldiers in a war doing something brave. And if you wanna call soldiers gay, then buddy, you've got some problems coming.

But, if you still want to get back at your buds for something else, I like to sneak my buddy Karl's phone from him, change his girl's number to my name, then take a picture of my balls with my phone in the bathroom and send it to him with the message, "Hey baby, check this out."

He's usually so embarrassed he just smiles and doesn't say anything about it. Burn!

Lates,
-GN

Consumable Mistakes: J & D's Bacon Salt

J&D's Bacon Salt, because "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon".



I hate to be all Andy Rooney about it, but no. No everything shouldn't. BACON should taste like bacon. Things with BACON in them should taste like bacon.

And they're right, it does taste "like" bacon. That doesn't mean it tastes EXACTLY like bacon. Bacon Salt is essentially BacOs in granular form.

I hate BacOs. In college I would eat BacOs and Miracle Whip sandwiches as a replacement for a BLT in the lean times.

And I hate BacOs for another reason.

Remember this asshole?



If only that commercial could have ended with him getting a crushing shot to the balls.

Getting back to it, if everything tasted like bacon, then bacon wouldn't taste like bacon. It'd just taste like everything else.

They don't have ads for Jergens hand lotion with, "You Should Be Constantly Masturbating." Yet. Good things don't need to be ALL the time.

If it was Christmas everyday, you'd barely be able to go 30 seconds without hearing a self inflicted gunshot.

And, if you wanna be all, "I don't eat bacon because of my religion" or "I don't eat meat for whatever reason", then fine, but fuck you. You don't get to taste bacon. I trade internal harm to my body for the delicious bacon experience. You just can't go screwing around with the universe. There has to be tits for tats. Kinetic and potential.

The only people who should be allowed to have Bacon Salt are the people who really need it, like poor people in the '20s who had to eat their boots or hats.

The Roast of Wendy's

Joan Rivers? Flava Flav? Nuts to that. Check me out as I totally slay Wendy's!




1. What’s grosser than gross?

Going to Wendy’s and getting Wendy’s then eating the Wendy’s in a bathroom stall at Wendy’s where a Wendy’s employee has just dropped a gorilla load of Wendy’s farts.

2. Wendy’s is so gross, sometimes after I eat Arby’s, I puke up Wendy’s.

3. Did you hear that Wendy’s founder, Dave Wendys, contacted us from the grave?

He said he’s in hell for inventing Wendy’s and that they only serve Wendy’s there.

4. What’s the difference between Wendy’s and horse manure?

“Horse manure” is spelled differently than “Wendy’s”.

5. A friend asked me once if I’d rather have lunch at Wendy’s or Hepatitis C.

I said I’d rather have cancer.

6. If Wendy’s made a cologne, it’d be called “Dumpster. The new fragrance from Wendy’s”.

7. Question. If put in the situation, could you pick out a picture of a Wendy’s burger from a police line up including Star Jones vagina and John Madden’s butthole?

I bet not. It’d be too hard.

8. The only people who eat at Wendy’s are black people and other people who eat at Wendy’s.

9. Mr. T pities the fool who thought that joke had a racist connotation.

10. What’s the difference between Wendy’s and Mr. T’s used toilet paper?

No one knows.

Consumable Mistakes: Mountain Dew Game Fuel

Mountain Dew knows that it's not easy being a gamer. Sittin' around on your lumpy can all day pushing buttons makes for some serious sleepies. That's why Mountain Dew is coming to the rescue with "Game Fuel". It's the perfect calorie laden syrupy goodness your body needs to blow up more fake stuff and decrease the chances even further that another human being may touch your private parts someday in any way, shape or form. 'Cuz hell, that'd just get in the way of gamin'! Can't have that!



And Mountain Dew made sure to give their already indescribable taste a blast of whatever Citrus Cherry Flavor is. And you know how you love some Citrus Cherry while you're gettin' your serious game on.

Of course, in my case, I used it to wipe the scotch haze off my brain this morning. I thought the color looked real funsies!



When did it change to "Mtn Dew"? Is that really what's going on? "I can't buy Mountain Dew! It takes me forever to read all those vowels on the label!"

Goddamn it.

Taking Gun Out of Mouth. Looking For Bigger Gun.

Hey you. Stupid. Yeah you. You stupid miserable waste. "Oh, look how sad and lonely me are! Boo-hoo. Life is SO hard! Whoa is me!" Yeah that's right, cry. CRY. You dumb sack of crap.

Idiot. Just a fat sad idiot. That's what you are.


Let us help turn that frown upside down by insulting your intelligence!

Even retards get the blues. Yeah you. Retard.

Guys' Night Advice Column #6: Manscapage

Dear Guy's Night,

My girlfriend was complaining about how all of her friend's boyfriends "manscape" and I'm the only one who doesn't. She said I was "nasty" down there and that's why she rarely gives me a blow-j. So to surprise her later, I took my Mach 5 for a little spin around my business in the shower this morning. Well, I've got a few problems. Goose, I need ya buddy.

1. The hair around my frolic zone is really lush and blends out into my legs and my stomach. So now, my thang thang looks like a sad little tree left in a field after a nuclear bomb went off.

2. I cut my sack up pretty bad and might need some stitches but I'm taking the "wait and see" approach.

3. I forgot about all the scars under there from a childhood tree climbing accident that I must have blocked out. Looks not so good.

4. I thought trimming was supposed to make your junk look bigger? This has not happened. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Monday night is our "sex night". I can't show her this. It looks just terrible. Really awful dude. What the shit should I do?

Hope you can help,
-Patches



Dear Patches,

First off. Do. Not. Panic. I can totally relate, in high school wrestling, part of freshman initiation was to get held down by the coach while all the other guys took a Bic stroke at your goodness. I'm no stranger to getting an erection while other guys shave your stuff. It's embarrassing, I know. But there's nothing wrong with guys bein' guys. Just masturbate to a Hustler and you'll be all man again.

I think you asked about that right? I could just reread your question but I'm too lazy and hungover to look at it again.

Glad to help brotha!
-GN