Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Van I'm Gonna Get

As a single fella, I don't know much what you babes are into. Can I call you "babes"? "Gals"? "Slammable dick caves"? I don't know, help me out here.

Are you into that song "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake? If I cranked that up on my hi-fi would that get you all damp in your unders?

One thing I do know is chicks dig vans. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me one. No, not some corny mini-van. But a f@cking VAN. From back when men drove vans and chicks drove red sports cars and that was all that mattered if you wanted to get the job done.

Like, a 1982 Chevy Beauville.

But WAY more macho than this one. I'm talkin' chrome Kreagar rims, orange shag carpeting, some of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps on the back lettin' people to know to BACK OFF!

I'd have a sweetass Pioneer tape deck. No wait, a DUAL tape deck. And because it's broken, there'd only ever be 2 tapes stuck in there.

1. Whitesnake's Greatest Hits. Of course.


2. A bootleg copy of fart sound effects. Because farts are hilarious.

And on the side, there'd be an airbrushed painting of this really sexy centaur man. And he's in really good shape. You can tell he takes care of his body. And his long flowing hair doesn't have any split ends. Scott obviously uses conditioner.

Did I mention I call him "Scott"?

So anyway, Scott is wearing these four-legged cut off Levi's that really let you see his horse bulge, and he's lovingly ravaging this sexy blue she-demon. You can tell the passion is real and this isn't just some fling.

And in the backround, far off in the distance is a little stream with wolves jumping over it like AROOOOOOOO! ARR ARR ARROOOOOOO!

Are you guys even listening to me here? Because this is like a Boston song and a Journey ballad just came together, and blew up on the side of my f@cking van!

(Cue arena rock guitar power chords)

It's just like,

"Centaur and the she-demon, are livin' on the side of my van!

It's erotic and sexy and mystical! It's mysticaaaal!

And his name is Scott, and there havin' a babaaay!!

And it's half-wolf, half-horse, half demon chick, but no one knows where the wolf came from, somethin' must have been going on on the side, and that's alotta haves but's it's a big ol' babaay!

Oh Scott you're so romantic! You're so romantiiiiiic!"

Yeah. Who thinks I should get that f@cking van now?!

Probably none of you. Because it's a stupid idea.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Guys' Night Advice Column #10: Grindin'

Sorry there was no "Guys' Night" over the Labor Day weekend. We were busy getting pissed with our buddies at a West Hollywood establishment. Let's get back to biz!

Dear Guys' Night,

This past weekend, me and my boys were out ragin' our guts out, natch, then I decided to surprise my ol' lady at a party and found her grindin' with some other dude. I lost my shit and jumped in a cab. Got back home and jacked it to some barely legal babe action to show her what's up. Problem is, I still have feelings for her but I don't know if I can trust her ass anymore. Should I stick with my steady or break it off for greener pastures?

-Young Pussy Don

Dear YPD,

Fuck! Don't put up with that shit. The best advice I could give you is, you shoulda made the first move. Women don't respect that, "I'm gonna be good to you baby" bullshit. If she got the scent you were slippin' it in on some broad on the sly, she'd have been makin' you breakfast in the morning on the regular. Gals want to know you're in demand. Now, you got two choices: shove it in a slimmy for a one time revenge bang, or #2: just fucking make it a Guys' Night for like, the next half a year.

You don't need that garbage, especially when you got your buddies. Nothing makes a woman jealous like knowing that you and the homies are out wagging your front tails at anything that moves during the big game. Even if "what moves" are your buddies when you're watching the big game and seeing who can pop one off first while a 30 second Diet Coke ad starring some half naked gash plays on the tube during the Bears game.

Football season always gets me amped up. Maybe it's the cheerleaders. Maybe it's the way my buddy Karl can put away a whole tray of nachos in no time flat. Either way, football season is no time to waste on some slit. Bust your nuts on a Guys' Afternoon, right before a Guys' Night. Keep focused on the season. Football is a man's sport, not some time to waste on "making love".

Go Bears! And Go Pussy! Even if "Pussy" is your own hand while you masturbate in the middle of the living room in front of all your buddies. 'Cuz, pussy is still pussy. No. Big. Deal.