Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Me, The Rockabilly Bigot

I have strong opinions on clothing styles. By no means am I, as Ray Davies put it, "a dedicated follower of fashion", but I tend to be a real smart mouth about certain "trends" that have crossed over to "eye sore" status.

One that I've taken pot shots at in the past is the "flame bowling shirt, chubby, spikey hair, goatee, chuck taylors, chain wallet, bad tattoos, Oakley wrap arounds, hoop earrings, hot rod/rockabilly" archetype.

The type that only eats at 50's nostalgia diners, has multiple framed pieces of Betty Page artwork in their home, and probably listens to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy in their car on the way to Big Bad Voodoo Daddy concerts.

Now, I kinda feel bad about it. Because I LOVE watching this man's television programs:

So damn genuine and likable. And I want to eat at every single one of those "Diners, Drive Ins and Dives".

I don't even cringe when he says things are, "money". I'd watch that show until my eyes bleed maple syrup.

Is it somehow racist if I say, "Oh, but he's one of the good ones. I just wouldn't want him dating my daughter"?

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Denny's All Nighter Rockstar Menu

Denny's makes food that would make you puke if you weren't drunk. But, if you're drunk, and worried about puking later, you might eat Denny's to make you not puke. However, there's always the risk that you might not just puke up the booze, but the booze mixed with the Denny's.

However you shoot it, Denny's is synonymous with throwing up.

The execs at Denny's obviously know this, because they've basically thrown in the towel (completely soaked in "fuck it") and have teamed up with "Rockstars" who make music that make you want to puke so that they could create menu items that will make you want to puke your guts out of your earholes!

With collaborations involving Rascal Flatts, Good Charlotte, Sum 41 and Gym Class Heroes, Denny's restaurant locations better invest in high pressure toilets and seriously consider giving their janitorial crew a decent raise.

Here's Rascal Flatts proudly displaying their "If You Like Rascal Flatts, You Probably Knocked Up Your High School Girlfriend At The Junior Prom And Never Moved Out of The Shitty Little Town You Live In And Have Bleach Blonde Spikey Hair And Wear Visors And Flip Flops With Jeans And Oakley's And You Also Sing Along To Jimmy Buffet Without Irony And Your Girlfriend Never Lost The Baby Weight And For That You Sometimes Call Her A Rayll Fuuhkinn Kihnt Bitch Then Run Off To Have A Beer With Dave At Early's Tavern Breakfast Platter":

Here we have Good Charlotte with their, "One or Both of Us Fucked Paris Hilton or Nicole Richie or Married Them or Who Knows, Who Cares, Betcha Can't Name One of Our Songs Egg Burritos":

This is Sum 41 presenting their "Just Happy For The Free Meal Breakfast Sandwich!"

And here we have Gym Class Heroes showing off their, "We Just Jacked Off On Some Moons Over My Hammy, Check It Out Yo'!" menu item.

Thanks Denny's! It seems impossible, but you just ruined the concept of a late night breakfast! This is the world I'm supposed to help save by recycling and driving a radio controlled car? Nice. Real nice.

Seriously, take one more good long look at this and tell me you don't kinda understand how a good Mom could drive a mini Van full of her children into a lake and believe it's the right thing to do:

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Paintings of Paintings

I've had numerous discussions in the past about how a good majority of early rap songs were basically about "rapping". As in The Sugarhill Gang: I'm rappin' to the beeeat!

As of late I've found new irritation in rock 'n roll songs about rock 'n roll. As an artist, you have to be in the midst of a serious creative block to turn to writing about your medium.

I love rock 'n roll
But it's still rock 'roll to me
It's a long way, to the top, if you wanna rock 'n roll
I know, it's only rock 'n roll, but I like it

And so forth and so on.

Of course, a similar argument could be made about meta-comedy. But there is much more grey in that arena. You can laugh at a comedian who is parodying mainstream comedy. You can laugh at a comedian who is so bad, so clueless to the fact, that it becomes meta-comedy, unbeknownst to the provider. Although now, meta or alternative comedy, is much more mainstream to the point that I would label it "modern comedy". Although in the end, it really just comes down to funny or not funny, depending on whether you base your judgement on audience reaction or critique as a connoiseur.

Although, a sculptor who simply presents a lump of untouched clay as a sculpture of "clay" might be declared a genius. In the 80's. When people wrote a plethora of rock 'n roll songs about rock n' roll. And there were comedians that people laughed at for being good then, that some of us laugh at for being bad now.

What I'm getting at is, we're living in a world of remix, repeat, remake, and sequel.

How incredible would it be if Transformers was a completely NEW idea, and not a toy/cartoon from back when?

Out of ideas, out of new stuff. Go ahead, let the money run out. Let the well run dry.

Recession is the time of invention. Maybe if more people would starve to death we wouldn't be so focused on making an My Little Pony movie, and someone would get a goddamn flying car made and a pill that would taste and feel like you just ate a delicious chicken dinner.

No, wait, that was on the Jetsons. Fuck.

Bring back the McRib,

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Up On What The Kids Are Throwin' Down

I saw this marker painted on the corner of Beverly and Western. Is this the name of some new band I haven't heard of? It should be.

"You haven't heard of D4AR?! Dude, so rad. They sound like Limp Bizkit mixed with Steely Dan. I'll burn you some."

Monday, June 22, 2009


Okay, let me get this straight (no pun intended), Perez Hilton, who is homosexual, got punched in the face for calling will.i.am, who is straight, a "faggot". will.i.am is in the group, The Black Eyed Peas, which is gay. So my question is, does this make will.i.am a "faggot"? And if one is indeed a "faggot", would that be more offensive to be called a "faggot" or is it more offensive if you're not a proper "faggot" or if you're a "faggot" in sheep's clothing?

I'm sorry, but I just need a little clarity on who the "faggots" are, which "faggots" should do the punching and which "faggots" should be punched by other "faggots". But I'm pretty sure it's not ok to punch a "faggot" if you're not a "faggot".

One thing I am sure of is that one long haired guy in The Black Eyed Peas who does all the hoppy dancing for no apparent reason is definitely someone who you'd call a "faggot" if you are the kind of guy who calls people "faggots".

I wasn't even sure if "faggot" was an okay thing to say since I'm not a 6th grader on the playground anymore. Good thing I read this excerpt from the AP release on the incident. Cleared things right up. Hooray journalism!

Hilton, who is openly gay, said in interview with The Associated Press that he called will.i.am a "faggot," a gay slur, inside the club after the musician told the blogger not to write about his band on his Web site.

Hobo of Love

Oh how I adore the homeless and crazy. Snapshot moments with them is like a highlight vignette from a reality show, only nonscripted!

Today I saw one of God's special people pushing a shopping cart through bustling traffic on the corner of Hollywood and Vermont. Here are the few choice phrases I heard come barreling out of his mouth in the 20 seconds it took me to pass him:

(to a bus driver)


(to me)


I can just picture Rudy Ray Moore, smiling down from street corner jive talk heaven.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Lawyer or Psychotic Supervillain?

And the award for Most Terrifying Advertisement For A Traffic Attorney On A Bus Stop Goes To...

I was actually a little wary to even post this. I'm pretty sure this guy has some sort of alligator pit in his lair, and I'm absolutely positive he rides to work in a black helicoptor.