Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The Van I'm Gonna Get

As a single fella, I don't know much what you babes are into. Can I call you "babes"? "Gals"? "Slammable dick caves"? I don't know, help me out here.

Are you into that song "Still of The Night" by Whitesnake? If I cranked that up on my hi-fi would that get you all damp in your unders?

One thing I do know is chicks dig vans. I'm thinkin' about gettin' me one. No, not some corny mini-van. But a f@cking VAN. From back when men drove vans and chicks drove red sports cars and that was all that mattered if you wanted to get the job done.

Like, a 1982 Chevy Beauville.

But WAY more macho than this one. I'm talkin' chrome Kreagar rims, orange shag carpeting, some of those Yosemite Sam mudflaps on the back lettin' people to know to BACK OFF!

I'd have a sweetass Pioneer tape deck. No wait, a DUAL tape deck. And because it's broken, there'd only ever be 2 tapes stuck in there.

1. Whitesnake's Greatest Hits. Of course.


2. A bootleg copy of fart sound effects. Because farts are hilarious.

And on the side, there'd be an airbrushed painting of this really sexy centaur man. And he's in really good shape. You can tell he takes care of his body. And his long flowing hair doesn't have any split ends. Scott obviously uses conditioner.

Did I mention I call him "Scott"?

So anyway, Scott is wearing these four-legged cut off Levi's that really let you see his horse bulge, and he's lovingly ravaging this sexy blue she-demon. You can tell the passion is real and this isn't just some fling.

And in the backround, far off in the distance is a little stream with wolves jumping over it like AROOOOOOOO! ARR ARR ARROOOOOOO!

Are you guys even listening to me here? Because this is like a Boston song and a Journey ballad just came together, and blew up on the side of my f@cking van!

(Cue arena rock guitar power chords)

It's just like,

"Centaur and the she-demon, are livin' on the side of my van!

It's erotic and sexy and mystical! It's mysticaaaal!

And his name is Scott, and there havin' a babaaay!!

And it's half-wolf, half-horse, half demon chick, but no one knows where the wolf came from, somethin' must have been going on on the side, and that's alotta haves but's it's a big ol' babaay!

Oh Scott you're so romantic! You're so romantiiiiiic!"

Yeah. Who thinks I should get that f@cking van now?!

Probably none of you. Because it's a stupid idea.

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