Guys' Night Advice Column #9: Promise Keepers

Dear Guys' Night,

I feel awkward writing you, this is my first time seeking help in what I think is an otherwise perfect marriage. My wife and I have been married 22 beautiful years, we have 5 awesome kids, work is great, church is great. Promise Keeper? You betcha. You're looking at a six-year Promise Keeper veteran. Here's my issue. Recently I shared with my wife that I 'experimented' with some other boys while I was in high school. NOTHING GAY, just some mutual jack sessions, some role-playing blowjobs (we made sure to pretend to be girls!) the usual healthy teen boy stuff. My wife freaked out. She wants me to see our pastor for some counseling, but I told her this is completely normal. What do you think, GN?

Thanks,
Bob Prendergast
(attached is a photo of me and promise keepers founder Bill McCartney)






Dear Bob,

Your wife wants you to see some priest for counseling on what she thinks is "gay"?! That's just gonna be confusing. Priests are promise keepers too. To God. And if anyone can understand how a man who doesn't have sex with women needs some release by having a mutual jack sesh or a few role playing beejers, it's men of the cloth. Ask any doctor and he'll tell you that it's not healthy to hold in your business too long. And if you can't turn to your buddies for help, then they're not very good pals.

Guys in high school have enough pressure to be "cool" and before you learn how to hook up with a slammin' chick, you don't wanna water down your rep and chase after the hoaglys. It's better to just kick it with the fellas and get some practice in so when you finally score that tasty senior, you'll be able to get the j.o.b. d.o.n.e. If your wife didn't have any brothers in high school, she'd never understand. And if she did have some and they didn't ever have a few buddies over to shoot the shit and tug one down, then they must have been fucking nerds. I'm sure you've told your kids the same thing 'cuz you sound like a stand up guy.

I remember when I was 15, my buddies Karl and Vern and me used to play Sega Genesis hockey and loser had to help the winner out with a few spit soaked strokes. It was just a little healthy competition to help us do the right and healthy thing for our bodies.

The next time she brings it up, call her a lesbo and ask her how it feels to be judged. Because she sounds like she might be a lesbo. Otherwise she wouldn't be complaining. 6-year promise keeper? Maaaaaan, you must be layin' down some sweet pipe on the mad regular!

Thanks for writing,
-GN

Consumable Mistakes: I Don't Remember Mickey Rooney Playing An Oompa-Loompa In Breakfast At Tiffany's?

I'm pretty sure this is kinda racist.

“Oooo, Wirry Ronka eeesah soo Delickoricious!”

There, now it’s SUPER racist.

Guys' Night Advice Column #8: SUCK IT!

Dear Guys' Night,

Last week I got special backstage passes to a WWE event, and the Degeneration X guys (Shawn Michaels and Triple H) kept doing their thing where they cross their arms over their crotches and say "SUCK IT!"

The thing was, we were alone in a green room together.

Ever since then, whenever I watch wrestling I get kind of a tingly feeling in my pants. Not a full hard on, just a little movement. Did they make me gay? Should I stop watching wrestling?

Sorry if this is weird, but I don't know who to ask about this.
-DX Fan


Dear DX Fan,

Even if you WERE gay, there's nothing gay about Degeneration X, so you wouldn't be into it anyway. To be honest, I get full on bad boners watching wrestling and other sports all the time. That doesn't mean I'm gay, DX Fan. Look, I've gotten an erection at the grocery store too, but that doesn't mean I'm some sort of food pervert.

Frankly, I'm sick and tired of people making hackneyed comments about how wrestling is "gay". First off, when they say it's "gay", it's used as a derogatory statement, and while all of us here at Guys' Night are just guys bein' guys, we're no homophobes. I know this one guy from college who has a gay brother. True story.

Here's the other thing, Vince McMahon is no dummy. He markets to the fellas AND all the sexy gal wrestling fans. And if there's one thing the ladies can't resist, it's The Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels. That's why I keep pictures of him all over my West Hollywood apartment. It gets the ladies dizzamp! And that Triple H is no slouch himself. He's my buddy Karl's favorite wrestler. Karl says he's more "rugged".

HBK and Triple H pose down!

Suck it!

HBK!

Ha!


I keep this in my john for when the gals take a whiz before we get all nasty-nasty.

Shawn is so badass.

Triple H spewin' it! F-yeah! Take that Mr. McMahon!


The next time you watch wrestling, have a few buddies over and stare at their crotches. Bet you see more than a few tents. It'll make you feel better knowing it's not just you that gets electrified by the excitement of the WWE! No big deal.

Suck it! (jk, ha!)

-Guys' Night

Guys' Night Advice Column #7: Mad Mentourage

What up Gizzo Nizzo!

You watch Entourage last night?! Man, that epp was off the chain! Basically, the whole show was about how Turtle has to go to his first day of college in his Maserati, Vince comes with, then, 5-minutes after being there, Vin goes up to the room of a sexy co-ed and gives her a bit of the old Chase charm while he video tapes it. SO good. One of the best yet.

My buddies know what a fan I am and even call me "Drama". And they've all said that "If you like Entourage, you gotta watch Mad Men! Those guys REALLY know how to live."

So I DVR'd Mad Men and gave it a whirl. Umm...how can I put this so I don't puke?

(spoiler alert)

The whole episode was about two guys making out and giving each other tugs. I couldn't find the remote fast enough. Even alone in my locked apartment I was afraid someone would walk in or see what I was watching through the window.

Basically, my boys pulled a fast one on me to make me watch that queer show and I want to know how to get them back. What's a good burn?

-Dramz



Dramz,

I don't know how to break it to you, but I actually don't think you were set up. I watched MM last night and like you, was bit thrown off by the gay jack off scene.

But I rewound it 6 or 10 times just to try and figure out what REALLY was going on there and I think I've got the answer.

See, Mad Men times was way back in the '80s when porn wasn't really coming into it's own yet. Chicks still had bushes and stuff and the guy's weren't nearly as thick and long and shaved down and they didn't have ripped abs like they do now. There was alot of confusion. So sometimes, guys had to help each other out with how business goes down. I know it might sound weird, but it totally wasn't a gay thing at all for one guy to give a hands on tutorial of how to get the nasty. Just one guy helpin' out another guy. No big deal. Remember, this was the '80s when there wasn't the internet. It was pretty messed up back then. Plus, guys had to work alot. So with no time to cheat on their wives and sore hands from laboring, you had to have another dude help you get that release. Think of it like soldiers in a war doing something brave. And if you wanna call soldiers gay, then buddy, you've got some problems coming.

But, if you still want to get back at your buds for something else, I like to sneak my buddy Karl's phone from him, change his girl's number to my name, then take a picture of my balls with my phone in the bathroom and send it to him with the message, "Hey baby, check this out."

He's usually so embarrassed he just smiles and doesn't say anything about it. Burn!

Lates,
-GN

Consumable Mistakes: J & D's Bacon Salt

J&D's Bacon Salt, because "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon".



I hate to be all Andy Rooney about it, but no. No everything shouldn't. BACON should taste like bacon. Things with BACON in them should taste like bacon.

And they're right, it does taste "like" bacon. That doesn't mean it tastes EXACTLY like bacon. Bacon Salt is essentially BacOs in granular form.

I hate BacOs. In college I would eat BacOs and Miracle Whip sandwiches as a replacement for a BLT in the lean times.

And I hate BacOs for another reason.

Remember this asshole?



If only that commercial could have ended with him getting a crushing shot to the balls.

Getting back to it, if everything tasted like bacon, then bacon wouldn't taste like bacon. It'd just taste like everything else.

They don't have ads for Jergens hand lotion with, "You Should Be Constantly Masturbating." Yet. Good things don't need to be ALL the time.

If it was Christmas everyday, you'd barely be able to go 30 seconds without hearing a self inflicted gunshot.

And, if you wanna be all, "I don't eat bacon because of my religion" or "I don't eat meat for whatever reason", then fine, but fuck you. You don't get to taste bacon. I trade internal harm to my body for the delicious bacon experience. You just can't go screwing around with the universe. There has to be tits for tats. Kinetic and potential.

The only people who should be allowed to have Bacon Salt are the people who really need it, like poor people in the '20s who had to eat their boots or hats.

The Roast of Wendy's

Joan Rivers? Flava Flav? Nuts to that. Check me out as I totally slay Wendy's!




1. What’s grosser than gross?

Going to Wendy’s and getting Wendy’s then eating the Wendy’s in a bathroom stall at Wendy’s where a Wendy’s employee has just dropped a gorilla load of Wendy’s farts.

2. Wendy’s is so gross, sometimes after I eat Arby’s, I puke up Wendy’s.

3. Did you hear that Wendy’s founder, Dave Wendys, contacted us from the grave?

He said he’s in hell for inventing Wendy’s and that they only serve Wendy’s there.

4. What’s the difference between Wendy’s and horse manure?

“Horse manure” is spelled differently than “Wendy’s”.

5. A friend asked me once if I’d rather have lunch at Wendy’s or Hepatitis C.

I said I’d rather have cancer.

6. If Wendy’s made a cologne, it’d be called “Dumpster. The new fragrance from Wendy’s”.

7. Question. If put in the situation, could you pick out a picture of a Wendy’s burger from a police line up including Star Jones vagina and John Madden’s butthole?

I bet not. It’d be too hard.

8. The only people who eat at Wendy’s are black people and other people who eat at Wendy’s.

9. Mr. T pities the fool who thought that joke had a racist connotation.

10. What’s the difference between Wendy’s and Mr. T’s used toilet paper?

No one knows.

Consumable Mistakes: Mountain Dew Game Fuel

Mountain Dew knows that it's not easy being a gamer. Sittin' around on your lumpy can all day pushing buttons makes for some serious sleepies. That's why Mountain Dew is coming to the rescue with "Game Fuel". It's the perfect calorie laden syrupy goodness your body needs to blow up more fake stuff and decrease the chances even further that another human being may touch your private parts someday in any way, shape or form. 'Cuz hell, that'd just get in the way of gamin'! Can't have that!



And Mountain Dew made sure to give their already indescribable taste a blast of whatever Citrus Cherry Flavor is. And you know how you love some Citrus Cherry while you're gettin' your serious game on.

Of course, in my case, I used it to wipe the scotch haze off my brain this morning. I thought the color looked real funsies!



When did it change to "Mtn Dew"? Is that really what's going on? "I can't buy Mountain Dew! It takes me forever to read all those vowels on the label!"

Goddamn it.

Taking Gun Out of Mouth. Looking For Bigger Gun.

Hey you. Stupid. Yeah you. You stupid miserable waste. "Oh, look how sad and lonely me are! Boo-hoo. Life is SO hard! Whoa is me!" Yeah that's right, cry. CRY. You dumb sack of crap.

Idiot. Just a fat sad idiot. That's what you are.


Let us help turn that frown upside down by insulting your intelligence!

Even retards get the blues. Yeah you. Retard.

Guys' Night Advice Column #6: Manscapage

Dear Guy's Night,

My girlfriend was complaining about how all of her friend's boyfriends "manscape" and I'm the only one who doesn't. She said I was "nasty" down there and that's why she rarely gives me a blow-j. So to surprise her later, I took my Mach 5 for a little spin around my business in the shower this morning. Well, I've got a few problems. Goose, I need ya buddy.

1. The hair around my frolic zone is really lush and blends out into my legs and my stomach. So now, my thang thang looks like a sad little tree left in a field after a nuclear bomb went off.

2. I cut my sack up pretty bad and might need some stitches but I'm taking the "wait and see" approach.

3. I forgot about all the scars under there from a childhood tree climbing accident that I must have blocked out. Looks not so good.

4. I thought trimming was supposed to make your junk look bigger? This has not happened. In fact, it's quite the opposite.

Monday night is our "sex night". I can't show her this. It looks just terrible. Really awful dude. What the shit should I do?

Hope you can help,
-Patches



Dear Patches,

First off. Do. Not. Panic. I can totally relate, in high school wrestling, part of freshman initiation was to get held down by the coach while all the other guys took a Bic stroke at your goodness. I'm no stranger to getting an erection while other guys shave your stuff. It's embarrassing, I know. But there's nothing wrong with guys bein' guys. Just masturbate to a Hustler and you'll be all man again.

I think you asked about that right? I could just reread your question but I'm too lazy and hungover to look at it again.

Glad to help brotha!
-GN

I Blew It With G.I. Joe

I love going to the movies when I have a weekday off. Going to a matinee by myself has basically become my new "going to church". My dad used to tell me, "You know Michael, I know you don't like going to mass, and frankly sometimes I don't necessarily want to sit there and listen to it either, but you have to appreciate it for the time to be alone with your thoughts and not have to answer a phone or to listen someone's bullshit at work."


And that's why I like crappy movies in the middle of the day. I just want to sit there and not think and watch giant robots shoot guns at each other, stuffing my face with butter in the center and butter on top popcorn, and have The Arclight's high standards of audio blow my eardrums out. I don't want to hear the preacher man fill my brain with what he thinks about the meaning of life. I have enough issues to worry about.


This week I saw The Hurt Locker. Which I really enjoyed, although the movie made me a bit shell shocked on my skateboard ride home. It was a bit more of a "thinker" than I usually pick, but I just wasn't in a G.I. Joe kinda mood for some reason.


After the movie, outside of theater, I realized the error of my ways.


The Hollywood Arclight had THIS on display!

Holy shit! There's a grey cargo van in G.I. Joe?! Fucking fuck I really fucked up and I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself. If I woulda known there was a sweetass plain grey van in the movie I'da been signed, sealed, delivered into that bad bitch! A-Team Van shmay team van. That plain grey van is the tits pajamas!

Must be why G.I. Joe was #1 at the box office with $56.2 Million over the weekend.

Egg Man On The Metro

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I like living in Los Angeles more than living in New York, but I like New York better than I like Los Angeles.

Here's another reason why.

I got on the subway yesterday, (yes, they have one here and it's fantastic) and a music trio boarded with me at the same time. They then began into a medley of Beatles songs, the frontman being a 6-year old.

As it was rush hour, the car was a bit crowded, although still comfortable. About 30 seconds into their set, a passenger blurted out, "CAN YOU STOP PLEASE! PLEASE STOP PLAYING! I'LL GIVE YOU A DOLLAR IF YOU STOP PLAYING!"

Now, normally when someone is brazen enough to scream something out, they are mentally ill, intoxicated, of the crabby elderly sort, or a combination of the three.

This was none of those. This, was an early 30's hipster type, Mac Book in tow, with all the trimmings. After the guitar player gave him a bit of "the big smile", "awe come on man! don't be an old so and so!", fancy lad retorted with "I've had a hard day! I JUST WANT SOME QUIET! IT SAYS NO LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON THE TRAIN! IT SAYS NO LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON THE TRAIN!!!"

This was obviously a case of "shumbuddy had theiw caw in the shop and had to tate the twain! I can't bewieve I hafta to wide wif deez animaws! sniff sniff. boo hoo."

Remember this was a subway band. Led by a 6-year old. Playing Beatles songs. Beatles. Songs. Poorly, si. But nonetheless.

At this point, I'm physically shaking with anger, yet too far away to say anything that won't be screamed in someone else's ear. Where are my New York cohorts?! Where are the good people, calloused enough to endure excessive noise, yet righteous enough to verbally destroy a grown man-baby when he deserves such?!

And this is where Mr. Hard Day made a mistake. Out came: "WHY DON'T YOU GET A REAL JOB!"

And just like a needle skipped off the record, the guitar player responded with,

"I got three jobs."

The guitar at his side now. The tiny frontman sitting on the floor of the car.

Hard Knocks:
You have to get off the train at the next stop!

Guitar Player:
Man, we just playin' some songs.

Tuff Rocks:
That's not a job. I have a job! This isn't a job! You have to get off the train at the next stop! It says no loud music playing! Get a job!

Guitar Player:
I GOT 3 JOBS!


As the train came to a halt at Beverly and Vermont, the guitar player handed his acoustic to the little boy, and calmly patted him and the tambourine player out of the train. Sadly this was where I got off also.

The guitar player was a large man, 6'3 and muscular. His kind smile now gone, the Beatles now silenced, I watched as he approached Frowny Face while the doors shut, the crybaby still publicly insulting the guitar player, emasculating him with "you don't have a real job liar" and complaining about "the rules of the train".

I don't condone violence. In real life. For the most part. But I spent the next 15-minutes delightfully fantasizing about the verbal and physical assault that the crabby little man-boy might have endured. Probably one that he had dodged for years. And probably one that he had coming.

And sure as sugar one that mouthy snot deserved.

To be fair, the guitar player gave peace a chance. But John Lennon never said how many chances you had to give.

Consumable Mistakes: Dwight Yoakam's Take 'Ems Lil' Joes

(originally posted on 1/15/08)

1. Do you smack your lips and eat with your mouth open while you breathe through your nose when eating?

2. Have you, or are you currently, beating your spouse, child, or girlfriend?

3. Have you said the "n-word" without irony while frustrated with a person of another race? (non-applicable for you filthy Italians)

4. Are you unaware that most people who don't smack their lips and/or eat with their mouth open while breathing through their nose are laughing AT Larry The Cable Guy, not WITH him?

5. Are you unaware that making fun of Larry The Cable Guy is cheap and easy like kicking a dead dog for a nickel?

6. Have you "maybe" killed a man in a bar brawl, but no one in your town cares whether you did or not, nor do they care that he ain't around no more?

7. Have you ever thought it was "pretty cool!" when you had diarrhea?

8. When you wake up in the morning, have you usually forgotten who (or what) you fucked or ate the night before?

9. Is one of those "who's" maybe Reba McIntyre? Is one of those "what's" (applicable for "ate" or "fucked") the dead dog you paid a nickel to kick?

10. And finally, does purchasing frozen White Castle hamburgers as "groceries" make you feel self-conscious at the super market for trying to act "better than everyone?"

Then you might like...



I can only think of one other thing that would have made me happier to see on a store shelf, but I'm pretty sure they'll never make "Billy Ocean's Tasty Brother Brand Rib Tips".

But these are pretty close on a satisfactory scale. The problem is that I wrote the preceding before actually trying the product (which cost $4.79 before tax at the Meijers store in Saginaw, MI). I wanted to give them a thorough thrashing.

They're actually quite good. I put "Fast As You" on repeat, sat in my underpants, and washed down four in a row with Jim Beam and Vernor's Ginger Ale. I likes mine with a little American cheese on top.

But then again, I answered "yes" to questions 7, 8, and 9.

Everything Old Is New Again

Good news Midwestern Nightmares newbies. In an effort towards consolidation, I'm going to gradually begin siphoning in previously written pieces featured on blerds.com, comedy.com, and the original Midwestern Nightmares column from whipitoutcomedy.com

And by "Good News", I mean, "Hope Ya Like Old Horseshit!"

Kittens,
-Mike

Guys' Night Advice Column #5: Red Sox

Whaaaasuuuuuup Guy's Night!

Lately, my girlfriend has been all raggin' on me about leaving on my Red Sox cap when we have sex. I mean, I wear it backwards, natch, so it's not like there's a bill poking her in the face. And she knows I never take it off after the all-star break, especially at this crucial part of the season. I've been wearing that hat for 4-years, unwashed and backwards, and it's a good luck charm. Dude, if I could tell you the shit I've been in with that hat. Fights after Sox games, getting arrested for public urination after Sox games, the one time I fingered that old waitress at Who's On First after the Sox beat the Yankees. You get the drift. Good memories. I've been through more with that hat then I have with her. I tell her all the time but it won't sink in. But what really bugs me is that last season she was cool with it. She thought it was "cute". I really like her, almost to the "l-word" point, but my first love will always be the the Sox. What should I do?
-Wade Fenway



WF,

Dude.




Why are you dating a girl during baseball season? Are you wicked homo?

And wasn't this the plot to that gay Jimmy Fallon/Drew Barrymore movie? Pretty sure it was. I saw it like 6 times with my buddy Karl.



No offense, but that's another reason I don't like the Red Sox. That was best guy's movie they could come up with? Little Jimmy Fallon and Grossout Drew Barrymore? I'm a Detroit fan, and we did it right.




See man, if your team is gonna make a baseball movie, you gotta get a badass guy's guy actor to star in it like Kevin Costner. K-Cost!



He's the total package. K's not some young kid, he's an old school tough guy that the ladies can't get enough of. I don't know whether it's his eyes, strong All-American physique or borderline fatherly sexuality that keeps 'em comin' back for more. I just know it works for us when me and the boys are just hangin' out in my basement in the off season, crackin' a few cold brews and watching some Costner flicks.


You can really see how the broads just swoon over this guy's guy. Such a hot piece...for the gals!



Check it out!



GET SOME, Sox fans! Uh uh uh!



We'll totally watch anything with KC in it. He's like an honorary Tig! Of course, no one gets the primo poster spot over my bed but the main man, Thomas:




Hope this helps!


-GN


P.S.- The Tigers are gonna be balls deep in your Red Soxy Fengay asses in the playoffs.