Monday, August 3, 2009

Consumable Mistakes: Dwight Yoakam's Take 'Ems Lil' Joes

(originally posted on 1/15/08)

1. Do you smack your lips and eat with your mouth open while you breathe through your nose when eating?

2. Have you, or are you currently, beating your spouse, child, or girlfriend?

3. Have you said the "n-word" without irony while frustrated with a person of another race? (non-applicable for you filthy Italians)

4. Are you unaware that most people who don't smack their lips and/or eat with their mouth open while breathing through their nose are laughing AT Larry The Cable Guy, not WITH him?

5. Are you unaware that making fun of Larry The Cable Guy is cheap and easy like kicking a dead dog for a nickel?

6. Have you "maybe" killed a man in a bar brawl, but no one in your town cares whether you did or not, nor do they care that he ain't around no more?

7. Have you ever thought it was "pretty cool!" when you had diarrhea?

8. When you wake up in the morning, have you usually forgotten who (or what) you fucked or ate the night before?

9. Is one of those "who's" maybe Reba McIntyre? Is one of those "what's" (applicable for "ate" or "fucked") the dead dog you paid a nickel to kick?

10. And finally, does purchasing frozen White Castle hamburgers as "groceries" make you feel self-conscious at the super market for trying to act "better than everyone?"

Then you might like...

I can only think of one other thing that would have made me happier to see on a store shelf, but I'm pretty sure they'll never make "Billy Ocean's Tasty Brother Brand Rib Tips".

But these are pretty close on a satisfactory scale. The problem is that I wrote the preceding before actually trying the product (which cost $4.79 before tax at the Meijers store in Saginaw, MI). I wanted to give them a thorough thrashing.

They're actually quite good. I put "Fast As You" on repeat, sat in my underpants, and washed down four in a row with Jim Beam and Vernor's Ginger Ale. I likes mine with a little American cheese on top.

But then again, I answered "yes" to questions 7, 8, and 9.

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