Thursday, August 13, 2009

Consumable Mistakes: J & D's Bacon Salt

J&D's Bacon Salt, because "Everything Should Taste Like Bacon".

I hate to be all Andy Rooney about it, but no. No everything shouldn't. BACON should taste like bacon. Things with BACON in them should taste like bacon.

And they're right, it does taste "like" bacon. That doesn't mean it tastes EXACTLY like bacon. Bacon Salt is essentially BacOs in granular form.

I hate BacOs. In college I would eat BacOs and Miracle Whip sandwiches as a replacement for a BLT in the lean times.

And I hate BacOs for another reason.

Remember this asshole?

If only that commercial could have ended with him getting a crushing shot to the balls.

Getting back to it, if everything tasted like bacon, then bacon wouldn't taste like bacon. It'd just taste like everything else.

They don't have ads for Jergens hand lotion with, "You Should Be Constantly Masturbating." Yet. Good things don't need to be ALL the time.

If it was Christmas everyday, you'd barely be able to go 30 seconds without hearing a self inflicted gunshot.

And, if you wanna be all, "I don't eat bacon because of my religion" or "I don't eat meat for whatever reason", then fine, but fuck you. You don't get to taste bacon. I trade internal harm to my body for the delicious bacon experience. You just can't go screwing around with the universe. There has to be tits for tats. Kinetic and potential.

The only people who should be allowed to have Bacon Salt are the people who really need it, like poor people in the '20s who had to eat their boots or hats.

No comments: