Monday, July 6, 2009

Guys' Night Advice Column #1: BOD Man. Really Ripped Abs.

You asked for it (like 4 people), you got it! It's the Guys' Night Advice Column, every Monday at Midwestern Nightmares. The advice column where it's just one guy helpin' outta another guy. No big deal.

Here we go!

Dear Guys' Night,

Me and my girlfriend lead pretty busy lives. We don't really have time to see each other much, so we try to make a point on the weekends. But lately, our Friday nights have pretty much consisted of us watching House Hunters four times in a row, eating a frozen pizza, then falling asleep.

How can I breach the subject of me wanting sex without it turning into some big deal?

-Just Some Guy

Dear JSG,

Sounds like you have a case of the comfy couple blues. What you need to do, is show her you're still a hot commodity on the schoolyard and she should treat you like you deserve. The next time you're heading over to the ol' cold potato's for your bummer Friday night, make sure you show up in your freshest Tap Out tee, DOUSED in Axe Body Spray or better yet, BOD. (I like "Really Ripped Abs")

Smellin' all fine as hell, settle in for some sensitive lady tv as per usual, but have one of your pals make a preplanned phone call. Tell her how you totally forgot it was Dave or Tony or whatever's birthday, and you've gotta get down to PJ McFlanno's ASAP! First off, if she doesn't understand that it's important to your buds, then she can get the curb and tell her you gotta go anyway. Deal with it next Friday. But, if she's into it and wants to come with, make sure you tell her you gotta go RIGHT NOW, not next Tuesday after she spray paints her face. It's important that you really hammer home what a grossout she looks like in her fatso sweats so she'll feel really bad about herself and stays put.

Now cut the fuck out and get to the bar. Guy's Night!

Don't hesitate to really do it up with shots of Jaeg Bombers and what not. Make the night all about guys just being guys. You are pussy hounds on the hound for some puss! That'll make your old bag really jealous. Girls can sense that shit. Maybe you and the boys can bend over a little extra while shooting some stick for the ladies, maybe drop a few tabs and go out in the parking lot to "piss on the dumbster" but then you really just show each other your dicks and see who can get a hard on the fastest and whoever wins makes the other guys stroke it, just for a little or something? Yeah. That'll show her.

Then maybe you all get in Dave's truck and see if you can have a wrestling match in that tight space with your clothes off and the heat all the way up. Loser has to jack it while Celine Dion plays and the other guys video tape it. Now we're talkin' Guy's Night! No big deal!

After you boys are done ragin', go back to that snoozefest all fucked up with a small jizz stain on your pants, but tell her it's just sour cream from all the 'chos you were chowing down to celebrate. She'll be suspicious, but won't be able to prove nothin', 'cause you didn't do nothin' wrong! Ha! Just guys bein' guys!

Hope this helps out!


1 comment:

Shannon Hatch said...

You were the one who wanted to watch House Hunters!